The scariest person I used to know. And I sure don't mean biblically.

*Blog author update:

My blog contains far more postings about Eric Schaeffer than this first inaugural post.

Therefore, if so motivated, you may read more about on this blog by clicking here.)

So, I've been thinking:

After a while we all probably know someone, somewhere who has at some point done something mildly interesting. At least, I hope we do. But have you ever given any thought to who may be the scariest person you have ever met? I have.

Yes, because when I'm not spending all my free time baking whole wheat things and hand-sewing doll clothing for my kids. (as if. ) I am also occasionally a thinker-of-dumb-things, which is why I realize now, just who the scariest person I used to know is:

(Drum roll, please.)

Eric Schaeffer.




Yes. That, Eric Schaeffer. The same one who I know a lot of people have previously loved to hate.

However, I actually have the dubious distinction of having gone to the same high school with him and perform in high school plays with him, there. Yep, 1977-78.

I always thought he was friendly, from a distance. A bit grungy and over-eager, perhaps. Clearly, he thought he was hilarious. And sometimes, I think he actually was.

I do remember he didn't always get that people weren't always laughing with him, they were sometimes laughing at him. Which only seemed to encourage whatever he was doing at the time. I do seem to remember our poor drama teacher clearly not getting what the joke was. The poor guy was mostly just trying to get the blocking done so could go home to eat dinner.

Truthfully, I do remember that ES could sometimes be genuinely funny, too. I may not have spent a life "in the theater," but I remember that cast became close. It became a sort-of short-lived, dysfunctional "family" -- and while I certainly do not remember every detail, I do remember I that often I considered him to be my like my "idiot-little-brother." And that would be in a good way.

So, no, I didn't "hate" him at all. I just didn't want to party or have sex with him. Which translated to being friends, but-from-a-distance, you know?

I was mostly just shy and awkward with most of the time. (Thank you, Jesus.). I suppose that contributed looking very stuck up, and who knows? Maybe I was. But the real reason I kept to myself was that that year, in particular, was pretty awful.

I was the new kid in school where everyone seemed to know who I was, but I didn't know anyone. My first two years in high school had been happily away at boarding school. My third year, this year, money became an issue so boarding school was out of the question and I was abruptly brought "home" to the same public school where my parents had been teaching for years. Being home with them was difficult and I felt shy and conspicuous and under intense scrutiny. It was challenging. Acting seemed like a wonderful escape. I loved it so much. Luckily, my parents stayed away from it all, so it was a great relief being involved with the drama dept that year.

So, anyway. I just endured it all and generally kept to myself. I remember going out to various local keg parties, but it wasn't the same as how it felt at my boarding school I never quite fit in.

Can anyone blame me if I happen to have some peculiar memories from then? Oh, well. Sue me.

In short, girls like me were so not appealing to kids like Eric Schaeffer. Or did I just secretly, intuitively know that this guy was like cooties-quicksand? Hard to say.

First of all, both my parents were teachers at this particular high school. They were in my business 24/7 and not in a good way. My point being that my "private life" was anything but. So, while kids like Eric partied, I was trying to fly below the radar and cram enough HS courses to graduate the hell out of Dodge. I sure wasn't going to delay my hasty departure by hanging out with stoners. I had a plane to catch.

Blog author in 11th grade.
(At the time, and certainly by today's standards, I was quite innocent and unavailable. Aka: Boring.)

Not sure what grade he was in, but that's Eric Shaeffer's school yearbook picture there on the left. (11th Grade?)

We did a play a high school together right before graduation, (which is actually a very funny play) called "The Man Who Came To Dinner."

(From left to right)
Louise (Lewis) Larsen, Lorraine, Eric Schaeffer, Banjo. Louise (Lewis) Larsen, Lorraine, Betsy Hickok, Maggie.
- The Man Who Came To Dinner. BUHS 1978

I played...God, I can't believe I remember all this, but her name was "Lorraine Sheldon," and she was a wonderful character to play. Very grand and over-the-top and just like all those prudish, older, rich women cast in all the Marx Bros. movies.

Anyhow, Eric played a character I believe was only known as "Banjo." (Obviously, a nod to one of the real Marx Brothers) who was a kind of comic scumbag creating mischief and chaos wherever he went and generally driving prudish, blue-blooded women bizerk. Hm. Not bad casting, actually

I do remember one day we all had to be at the theater at school on the weekend for a dress rehearsal (which meant kids actually had time to speak to each other instead of rush home after rehearsals every afternoon.) And on that particular day he tried to persuade me into just taking off to go to a David Bowie concert in NYC (or Springfield, MA?) and do drugs (for me anything that wasn't weed, freaked me out, even though, oddly, I didn't mind if my friends tripped. I guess I vicariously went along for the ride.) Anyhow, I do believe that "tripping" was mentioned and this wasn't my friendly, cozy boarding school -- I didn't feel comfortable doing this for the first time with him at all. I'd just been through two years of boarding school, if I hadn't tripped by then I wasn't going to now. My life was weird enough, anyway. I needed drugs? As if. Then he rambled on about how Bowie was a rock god and brought out his sexy gay side and, oh, didn't I know we were all secretly gay? (Okay. Tell me, again, why is this a great pick-up line?)

Anyhow, I wasn't really having any of it.

Anyhow, flash forward later. Imagine my surprise to learn this high school geek actually had a career. In film, of all things! Not bad. How'd that happen? Don't you need smarts and sex appeal for this sort of thing? What'd I miss?

Since I found out that a former (from the Jurasic Period) high school drama-geek friend hit it big as an adult, I rented and enjoyed two of his earlier films....For instance, If Lucy Fell which also, incredulously stared Elle McPherson and Sarah Jessica Parker both as his love interests...

and there was Eric and Amanda De Cadenet in Fall

However, I was most impressed that he got these very bright, attractive leading ladies, like Sarah Jessica Parker and Amanda De Cadenet, let alone Supermodel: Elle McPherson to be actually play his girlfriends in these movies! Is this the same guy? Say what?!

So, hey, I was impressed. For a while. These were decent "chick-flick" kinds of NYC / romantic comedy movies. And, I liked the music in them, too. I wouldn't call them "great films" but, so what? I liked them and have to admit I enjoyed watching them even though it was hard to believe this was the same guy I once knew. (Back when dinosaurs roamed the earth.)


So, I thought, wow. Maybe I did really sell him short, so to speak, before. What did I overlook, I wondered? These women actually sort-of appeared believable hooked up with him. I still didn't get it. This was the same guy I was at school with? Could I have been that far off in my memory of how odd he was?


Later on the accuracy of my unsettling memories of the real ES were confirmed when we stumbled across a short-lived FX series he did called Starved which was, uhm. Really awful. It was about people with terrible eating disorders. Lots of vomiting and worse. Binging. Purging. Need I say more? No.

Then there were other movies. Other TV shows...All of them, "Worse And Worser."

Honestly, I really thought that any one of them would be the death toll for any actor/director/writer...but, astonishingly, they weren't.

So, I've concluded: This guy is very lucky. Very. Lucky. He's still around.

In spite of a longer than usual spate of these critical flops, I did have to hand it to him, he was working and working often. Not bad, again. But, how'd he do that, actually? Don't you need people to give you money for this? Does his stuff actually make anyone any money? Apparently, it does. He's still here.

Out of what can only sheepishly be described as morbid curiosity (and, probably, a glass of chardonnay) I took a deep breath and popped him a short email asking him if he remembered anything from school that year. Apparently he does not, because Mr. Schaeffer wrote me back immediately that he, regrettably, remembers nothing from the entire year, because he was too high.

Now, while this does seem plausible, I was a bit disappointed he blacked out the entire year, hey, I'm sure it's possible. However, my theory is that that year was not very glamorous or interesting, therefore, oops! It's gone from his memory bank. Very convenient. I'd choose not to remember the one and only year I had to go to public high school with my parents working there, too. But, tragically, I remember it all.

Still, I thought he was polite to return my email so promptly given how busy he was promoting his book "Desperately Seeking Butt-Fun with Women I Can Humiliate Then Refuse To Marry."

Apparently it's been quite a book tour is also a Showtime cable TV series? And I can validate that it is a doozy. I kid you not. It's new and it's on Showtime Cable. And it has to be seen to be believed.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M STILL SINGLE.


So, here's my final thoughts on all this:

Apparently we all get to a certain age where eventually we know someone who turns out to have been much weirder than we ever suspected.

I call this phenomena "The 6 Degress of Bizarre-ation."

And while I do have more than my share of candidates to pick from, as of today I think Eric Schaeffer may be a top contender for this dubious distinction.


For instance, take his new show? It's gross stuff.

His shows are, seriously, simply jaw-droppingly revolting. He's undeniably bouncing-off-the-walls-nuts, really, truly out-of-his-gourd and, yes, "I can't believe I grew up with him."

My husband, who watches it with me as well also thinks it's all just an act and that it's scripted. (*Forward flash: We don't think this now.) But, I'm not so convinced anyone could try to invent the sheer volume of all that nonsense. I think his ramblings are all pretty much "authentic" and all his. Astonishing, no?

Who knew before this month that it was okay to film trying to pick up your colonist while they, uhm, lighten your load? (I'm not talking about a pre-revolutionary war soldier; I'm referring to his personal, butt-cleaning-technician: That kind of 'colonist.' Is that spelled right? " Colonist?" If memory serves me I believe the woman's technical title was "Irrigation Specialist." Yuck.)

Wow. You just don't see that every day.

His poor producer. The footage of her sitting in his backseat while he obsessively calls women on his cell phone is actually pretty entertaining. Watching her resist the urge to vomit while while he prattles on with seemingly endless access to horny, idiotic women, is more amusing than he, apparently knows.

And so, while "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single" has to be the grossest, most horrific and grotesque excuse for self promotion I have ever witnessed, - I can't believe I watch it; But, I do. And I can't believe I emailed him. But, I did.

Which, naturally, means if I were a reality show right now, I'd have to call it "I can't believe I'm such a hypocrite."

So, yes. Here's the truth of it.

While I do think he may be one of the scariest people I know (knew), for the purposes of my life now, he's completely harmless in a "Whew! I'm so glad I didn't inhale back then" kind-of way.

And, I admit it, as disgusting as he is, I've still checked in to see what oddity he's serving this time round.

To make a long story, well, over, I will just say that we have continued watching ES's show, and it's been entertaining -- but, when it's over I do breathe a sigh of relief that, for better or worse, I'm so not single any more.

READ MORE ABOUT ERIC SCHAEFFER AND HIS SHOW "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M STILL SINGLE" BY CLICKING HERE.