Still Single. The Perils of Sleigh Rides and Casting Couches

Hollywood Casting Couch

Schaeffer's Casting Couch

I happen to love the opening credits to this show.

To be honest, they really do crack me up.  The Tigger-like optimism.

His voice over is kind of like a hack comedian skipping up to the front the stage and handing everyone in the front row their very own cream pie; Then bouncing back to center stage oblivious to any impending onslaught.

Every week, the same thing.

And every week, in these opening credits, he always sounds so promising.

"I'm Eric Schaeffer, just your average, single, semi-famous filmmaker-actor, who wants to settle down.  

"This season I'm staying in New York City and looking for my girl here.

"I mean, if the love of my life isn't in my hometown, I don't know where's she gonna be?

"I also need to make my new movie, 'They're Out of the Business' with my best friend, Donny.  It's the sequel to first film,'My Life's In Turnaround.' It's going to be a wild season."

Then, comes the "Opening Scene:"  -- And always, it's mystifyingly dull.

How was "My Life's In Turnaround" a big hit at Sundance? 

(Apparently it was.   At the time.)

But, I don't get it. 

Did Redford spike the punchbowl with ecstasy that year?

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Okay, moving right along:

Memorable moments from Season 3, Episode 5 (5?!) of I Can't Believe I'm Still Single."

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Eric and Donny chat at an audition session.

Eric:  "How's your girlfriend?"

Donny: "She's great."

Eric:  "Back in town?"

Donny: "Yep, she's back.  Yeah, she came back...uh..."

Eric:  "-- And you talked with her?  She's fine with being on the show now?"

Donny:  "No, she's not on the show, now"

Eric:  "She will not be on the show?"

Donny:  "No.  She will not be on the show."

Eric:  "She will not be on the show?  (but) she likes documentaries, she makes documentaries."

Donny:  "Yeah."

Eric:  "She enjoys me."

Donny: "Yeah, but, I, I'm not gonna drag her into this."

(Hmmmm.   So, just who is Donny Ward's much smarter,  wiser, documentary filmmaker GF, anyway?)

I guess I'll have to put on my gumshoes and do some real investigative journalism to find this out.

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Oh, hello? -  Eric? It is a reality show, not a documentary.  You know,  when it's not badly scripted.

But, it's not a documentary.  I'm not even sure it qualifies as a mockumentary.  

Em:  You go, girl!  Look at her knowing the dif from a 1 train to an express train.  Em's like a Rosalind Russell character.  She's from Oakland but, knows about the NYC subway system.  She does know everything.

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Re-enactment of date with cerebral palsy girl friend.  Mela/Stephanie.  Stephanie/Mela.
(Whatever)  

Note  Ebner calling out from behind the sacred fourth wall, "And she enjoys urinating on you!"
-- Nice!

Required costume attire for all future episodes of 

I Can't Believe I'm Still Single

Anyhow --

Yuck.   Stupid scenes.  Stephanie "forgot" to act clumsy, anyway.  Guess she loses the Meryl Streep award, now.  Even though she has an impossible task ahead of her, of doing any serious work with a guy who is now trying to REALLY get her to fall in love with him.  I see where this is heading...

Can we just see the scenes of New York City in a snow storm and edit you guys out?

Tell you what, I'll just cut out the dialogue and loop over with some Sarah Vaughn songs.

BEST MOMENT IN CENTRAL PARK SCENE:  Mark Ebner jumping on Stephanie and Eric's back as they attempt to sled down the hill on their  "bag ride" aka "romantic date!"  --  Genuinely funny.

But, later, oh, that poor, poor woman to have to kiss Eric, anyway, though.  Guess, she's earning her money.

I really, really like her hair, though.  I wonder where she gets her hair done.  It's a great cut.

Oh, okay -- back to the show.  They're doing some romantic acting in the kitchen, only thing is it's like the most boring cooking show in the UNIVERSE!

Hey, next season with all this cooking/sex stuff, try "dating" Paula Deen, would you?

Now that'd be a lot more entertaining.  Certainly more lively, informative and funny than this.

Just sayin'.

Paula Deen on Eric Schaeffer's Casting Couch

And then we have to hear him make eating sounds while they sit stiffly on that old sofa.  He's smacking those lips.  Making gross food eating sounds. Yuck.

And Stephanie looks just so uncomfortable and bored over dinner.

They pretty much lose all steam and he shows her the door and....that's that!

Eric blows her off.   He EVEN DOES NOT WALK HER DOWN TO GET HER A CAB IN THE SNOW STORM?!!!

WHAT A DOUCHE.   And THEN he has the audacity to say he got rejected?!  God.  He just showed her the door!!!  What a jerk.

She's too good for him.

Eric turns to see Ebner who is, I don't know, just checking his cell phone for the time, but, then Mr. Will Be A Horrible Parent - Eric Schaeffer snaps, just goes OFF on Mark and tells him now he can't watch Idol because of this.

What?!  Psycho.   Please, Eric, do NOT raise kids, you punishing, narcissistic nitwit, because not being able to read your crazy-ass mind should not qualify you to punish someone.

Best part of episode:  Mark Ebner finally telling Eric the truth how Eric really screwed things up tonight.

"What I want to say to you is - why do you think you were rejected in the first place?"

(Hello?  Duh!)

Ebner goes one further reminding Eric that he did hire her before he then dumped her after getting a crush on her. Not a great business move.  Not that Ebner was lecturing.  He wasn't.  Eric asked.

This is one of my favorite moments, I think, in all 3 years of this show:  Someone actually tries to talk sense into Eric Schaeffer and it did not hit the editing room floor!

Wow!

That's progress.

Hang on -- What was that final comment in closing credits about Mark's Craig's List girls up on 92nd street?  Oh, well, we all have our vices, I suppose, don't we?

Hmm.  Well, I guess this entire show is really about Eric and Mark still duking it out after that swimming match last season.  There's so much passive-aggressive jousting between the two of them in this show.  I love it.

--- "That's entertainment!"