Middle School Family Life and Human Sexuality Unit

I looked it up first.

For the record, I want to categorically state that tried to do research first.

I wanted to know what to expect from the final two weeks of my daughter's sixth grade Middle School Family Life and Human Sexuality Unit.

There were rumors abroad that the final two weeks of their public sixth grade education would cover this topic, and the school alerted us that we might care to know what would be covered.

Here's a description I found of what we might expect:

A typical sixth grade "unit" of Middle School Family Life and Human Sexuality could include --

• ..Understand growth and development during puberty and promote self- awareness. Establishes class ground rules that promote open and honest discussion of family life and human sexuality...stage of human development...identifies physical and nonphysical changes that occur during puberty...anatomy of the human reproductive system...physiology of the human reproductive system, ,,,describe fertilization and how it relates to the menstrual cycle.

Yeah, so, I'm down with all that. Schools have to review human sexuality at this age. It's part of life. Education is a good. It all sounded reasonable and fair enough to me. I was jiggy with the idea of it all, and did next what all concerned parents do, I forgot about it.

-- For the purposes of anonymity for the rest of this post I assign the name of colors to people, instead of using their real names. Therefore the male, middle school science teacher will now simply be referred to as "Mr. Blue." And my precocious 6th grade daughter will simply be known as "Yellow." --


And, so after picking up "Yellow" (my 12 year old) from school, naturally I inquired how the special "Family Life Unit" went.

Our conversation, taking place entirely in our van, went something like this:

Me: "So, how'd Family Life Unit go for you this week?"

She said it was funny.

"Funny, how?" I venture.

She said the teacher asked all the kids to hand in "any questions they wanted to ask about."

"Mr. Blue said that the school board has guidelines and rules about what can or can't be answered to our questions and that he can't answer anything about personal experiences or personal opinions about sex."

Seems reasonable to me. So far, so good.

I asked her if she had handed in her own question. (I was a bit smug knowing I'd covered pretty much everything there was for any 12 year old to know by now. What questions could she possibly have?)

She informed me she had asked a question.

(At this point I realize anything I hear today, I will deserve.)

I take the bait.

"Really? So, what was your question?"

"Questions, Mom. I had more than one. But, I did ask him the usual question, you know, about sea horses."

"Which question was that again?" I ask, sincerely having no idea what she meant by "usual." I try to hide any hurt look on my face there were any questions at all given what I'd felt had been up to this point a fearless parental openness to discussing all things taboo. Or, so I thought.

"Oh, you know. Uh, yeah. Uh, 'Why do male sea horses carry babies in their special pouches? Except this time (exploding into furious giggles) except THIS time I added 'in their special pouches,' and he actually read that!"

(Copious amount of furious giggling.)

"Oh." I answer, unclear as to why this was so freakishly funny, yet not wanting to block the flow.

"And, this is funny, again, why?"

"Oh, well, I guess it isn't really funny except that now I've decided every time we have to ask questions I'm only going to ask about sea horses."

I try to absorb this while driving.

She went on, "In fact, this Monday I'm going to ask him 'Do seahorses have visible reproductive organs? It's kind of hard to tell from the pictures I have up in my room.'

"Oh." I say, flatly. ('What have I done?' I wonder not for first time, today.)

"Okay." I drive on.

I should note that at this point, I'm feeling some sympathy for "Mr. Blue."

Standing in front of a room filled with sixth graders discussing penises and vaginas has got to make one feel pretty exposed. All those middle school eyes on you. This guy just earned his year's paycheck this past week alone, I think.

I drive on. Turn signal here. Turn-y, turn, there. Drivety, drive, drive.

"So," I inquire, again, "were there any other questions you kids had for your teacher, today?"

"Oh, yeah! I had some more. I asked him that thing about sea horses. Then I asked him 'How do llamas make babies? Do mama llamas have cravings?'"

"What did he say?"

"Uh, I forget. But, then I asked him this other question, too."

"What question would that be?" (We were rolling right along, so far so good.)

I asked him "Has there ever been a case in which semen has been brightly colored? If so, is there something seriously wrong?"

"YOU REALLY ASKED THAT? WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU ASK THAT?!" I try not to yell into the rear view mirror.

More choking laughter from the back seat.

"Seriously? You asked this?! Come on. You did not!"

"Yeah, I did."

"Why?!"

"I don't know."

"Oh, that's great. Let me get this clear, that is precisely what you asked your teacher for real?"

Yellow, laughing. "Yeah."

"Oh, great. Thank you so much. Why on earth of all the things to ask would you ask that?! I'm just so confused why this is the question you felt you should you ask him. What was going through your head when you wrote that down? Seriously, what made you ask that?"

-- Silence.

"That was a question, Yellow, why would you ever ask that?"

More muffled giggling from the back seat and I realize this is my punishment. This is my punishment for being "an occasionally inappropriate kind-of mommy," but still I want to know why.

No reason given. And I chose not press it further.

The truth is, we both know I'm getting off easy. Things could be so much worse.

"You did not do that, did you?" I glance up at the rear view mirror hoping for one last minute reprieve. (Some people see dead people. I see nodding children.)

"What did he say?"

"He hasn't answered, yet." (thank you Mr. Blue, thank you thank you thank you)

Silence. Drivety, drive, drive.

"What were some of the other questions the kids asked that got answered."

One question was "What happens to the sperm when you kick someone in the testicles?"
He said, "Nothing really happens. It just stays there." (More giggles.)

"Why is that funny?" I ask now. She says, "I don't know, I just picture little tadpoles running around screaming."

I asked what some of the other questions were.

She gave up telling me and ended up just writing them all down as well as his specific answers to them.
Here's what I read.

Q: "I heard about a guy with three testicles! How can this happen?"
A: "Well, when you form from a cell then sometimes the cells under or over develop so that's how you get three testes."

Q: "Can a guy pee in a vagina?" (To be fair to 'Pee' was crossed out with 'urinate' penciled in its place.)
A: "No, because, well, you guys know what 'erect' means, right? I don't have to go through that with you, do I? Okay, well the answer is 'no' because the penis is connected to the bladder and the opening to the bladder is closed off when it's erect."

Q: "What if the penis is too big to fit in the vagina?"
A: "The vagina is a strong and flexible muscle which can contract and expand as needed just like all the other muscles."

Q: "Why do people have sex?"
A: "The number one reason is to have a family and to have babies and some people want to experience the pleasurable feelings that come from it."

Q: "Do fish have their eggs fertilized after they're laid?"
A: "I don't know, but I know some of you are fishing experts, so ask them."

And then, there was this final question:

Q: "Is there a difference between anal sex and oral sex?"
-- Apparently this has yet to be answered.

And this is only the first week of a two week unit before school's officially out for "summer."

Can't wait.