The Stunning Final Conclusion of "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single" Season 3, Episode 10
Alas, this was the week we finally bid adieu to the series "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single" which enjoyed a mystifying and, for the most part, entertainment-free third season on the Showtime.
And, in case you are new to this wee blog, I have been posting what you could call an "un-review" of Schaeffer's, long, brain-numbing, patience-challenging work all along.
So, now it's done. Finished. Finito. And my final take is this:
OMG! Eric Schaeffer is STILL Single?! No!
You mean, after three entire seasons of I Can't Believe (Eric Schaeffer) is Still Single, he is still out of luck?
How the hell did that happen?!
In all this time, Eric did not find at least one, single person on the entire planet to fall in love with?!
Give me a break.
Schaeffer even wrote an entire book about his quest!
He infamously trolled the internet for love, hungrily devouring every single personal ad on Nerve.com like a starving man gobbling candy at Halloween.
And, even after he wrote, produced and starred in a television series called (in case you really don't know this, yet) "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single."
But still, to this day, no luck, whatsoever? Really, Eric?
Here's just a sampling of the plethora of women Eric Schaeffer has screwed up his chances for "love" with:
-- Boatloads of attention-seeking actresses and performers from coast to coast.
-- A seemingly endless buffet of quite nice, entirely available, extremely friendly, open-minded sex-loving women including everyone from an escort in clown make-up, to a woman with cerebral palsy, to a porn star. None of which, or rather, all of which just didn't make the cut.
-- Hot chicks who jumped into airplanes and flew across country just to spend a few minutes in the bedroom with him at the drop of a hat!! And still? None of these women are good enough for him?
Oh, really?
Bummer. "Well, too damn bad," is all the rest of us have to say.
I don't think many of us are feeling your pain, Schaeffer, because, honestly, that's enough time to find someone if you really want to.
But, nope!
At this point he can't find anyone to date by now, then this blogger is done! Adios. Best of luck. Move on.
Now -- he's just exploiting this last season as a vehicle to try to still find a soul mate as well as amp up interest in his next project, the sequel to his former movie "My Life's In Turnaround." (Never heard of it? Neither had I.)
This week's episode revolved mainly around the subject of the boys finally getting started on shooting the first scene of "We're Out Of The Business" (from their mouth to God's ears).
In this final show, Episode 10 of the third season, begins with Eric grilling Ward on how much he liked meeting his date, actress Stephanie, the other night (see last show's review Season 3, Ep 9).
Ward hems and haws. He tries to discourage Schaeffer from mixing business with romance, and tries to explain why this might be a bad idea .
However, fate intervened with a cell phone call from the very same Stephanie, who, as luck would have it, apparently had "other plans."
My favorite part is when Eric asks her if she had fun the night before and asks her if she wants to "do something with him tonight?" And Eric and Ward just sit there. Listening to the leading lady's surprising phone reaction. Taking it in.
Her reply is a long anguished pause, then she goes, "Uhm....Hmm...God!"
Stephanie: "My boyfriend called last night. Like out of the blue, and uhm. He, I don't know, like we talked all night and...I think that...we're going to try and work things out."
-- Pause --
Now, the reaction right here really was priceless. Because, for the first time I really don't think it was scripted, so clearly this was one of the rare moments in the series worth tuning in for.
The look on Schaeffer's face is priceless.
He sighs, rolls his eyes, collapses into himself and then repeats the next line over and over like a cartoon.
"Your ex-boyfrien, your ex-boyfr-, I-uh, Your ex-boyfriend called? When? when? How ex is he? You didn't even tell me about him."
She brings him up to speed and Eric cringes and implodes saying: "Good luck with that. I'll see you next week on the set. Good luck with that and I'll see you when we shoot. Like next week."
The audience watching all his raw emotions crisscross his face in one long, tight close up, a director trying in vain to save face (literally) and reassure her and everyone present that he will not get weird on her on the set. (As if.)
You can just feel how angry with her he is about this. His seething is evident and you know the set will be tense and awkward as hell for the rest of the shoot. He will make her pay. I would not be at all surprised if she found herself fired because it is so dubious his ego can handle her not being romantically available to him.
Later, after they all absorb the karmic pie in the face Schaeffer has just endured they move on to more important topics, like "porn stars!"
Better yet, "dates" with "porn stars!"
Apparently they are about to shoot a scene that opens during a porn shoot and they need a porn actress, to play a porn star...(I realize the obviousness of this line of action is about as mentally challenging as counting to 1, but hang in there with me here.)
So, again, the hand of fate intervened:
Eric picks up his magic crackberry and phones "Bill," the actor who is playing the male half of the porn scene and asks if he can help him find a porn star for the following day's shoot:
1) Amazingly, Bill did have a "real" porn star to play the porn star.
2) He tells Eric that she "does good work."
3) And later he says that she also agreed to "date" him, too.
Which, amazingly Bill assumed was part of the bargain. Interesting. Later we learn that he's not really a porn star, but a college grad holding an MFA. (To which I say, s0 this is your "fifteen minutes?!" Playing a porn star in an Eric Schaeffer reality show? Dude: Burn your degree, now.)
Ebner: "How could Eric fuck up a date with a porn star?"
Ward: "I guess, yeah, I guess, I can't imagine how you could somehow alienate a porn actress."
Ebner: "Thank you!"
Ward: (To Eric) "I don't know what you could do to make her feel uncomfortable."
Schaeffer: "Thank you very much." (Having just gotten his co-worker's blessings.)
On the way to the meeting with "the porn star" that night there is one other amusing moment in this show:
It starts with Ebner inquiring Eric doesn't seem to be happy that he's getting to date a porn star that night. Schaeffer complains that it just doesn't seem that exciting to him, actually.
Then Eric confronts all his taxi mates with the same question: "Would you like to bang a porn star?"
He asks the poor cab driver, who mumbles incoherently and leans out of view.
He then asks the camera man, Theo, the same question, who agrees he would, in fact want to bang one, and confirms that he never has.
And then he asks Mark Ebner the very same question.
That's when Mark Ebner heaves this long, presumably thoughtful sigh, and then breaks into a shit-eating grin while totally lucking out on poor lighting during this awkward moment. Because just when he fails to hide his smile his face is conveniently cloaked by shadow. However, he still attempts to say in as serious a tone as can be mustered "I'm with you. (Eric) honestly, no."
This moment is met with obvious laughter to which he tries in vain to keep his straight face insisting that "I really wouldn't."
I might add that this exchange came just after Ebner commented "Eric do realize that it's every man's dream, but yours, to date a porn star?" -- So, okay. We get it. Nice try.
Meet Rachel Starr. The porn star in Eric Schaeffer's series, I Can't Believe I'm Not Single.
She is, as was promised, a "real" porn star, and she does have considerable talents in the adult entertainment industry. I haven't seen much of her work, but what I have seen supports the theory that Schaeffer was very lucky to have her in his film.
For more about Rachel Starr, click Interview with a porn star- Rachel Starr.
And, this is all this blogger is going to say about her other than she has lots of energy and seems very ambitious and apparently has been to Burning Man, because that is what Eric's self-described "famous hat" reminds her of.
Really, Rachel? Cause when I see that hat, I usually think "homeless," not "burning." But, hey, to each her own.
Then, during a very long series of exchanges we see Eric (and Mark Ebner and Em Sinick) meet and get to know the said "Rachel Starr."
It's easy to see how quickly Schaeffer goes from whining about how he's not that interested in dating a porn star to potentially falling head over heels in love with her in about five minutes by the frequency with which he begins to lick his lips while speaking with her in her hotel room.
And, in case you are new to this wee blog, I have been posting what you could call an "un-review" of Schaeffer's, long, brain-numbing, patience-challenging work all along.
So, now it's done. Finished. Finito. And my final take is this:
OMG! Eric Schaeffer is STILL Single?! No!
You mean, after three entire seasons of I Can't Believe (Eric Schaeffer) is Still Single, he is still out of luck?
How the hell did that happen?!
In all this time, Eric did not find at least one, single person on the entire planet to fall in love with?!
Give me a break.
Schaeffer even wrote an entire book about his quest!
He infamously trolled the internet for love, hungrily devouring every single personal ad on Nerve.com like a starving man gobbling candy at Halloween.
And, even after he wrote, produced and starred in a television series called (in case you really don't know this, yet) "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single."
But still, to this day, no luck, whatsoever? Really, Eric?
Here's just a sampling of the plethora of women Eric Schaeffer has screwed up his chances for "love" with:
-- Boatloads of attention-seeking actresses and performers from coast to coast.
-- A seemingly endless buffet of quite nice, entirely available, extremely friendly, open-minded sex-loving women including everyone from an escort in clown make-up, to a woman with cerebral palsy, to a porn star. None of which, or rather, all of which just didn't make the cut.
-- Hot chicks who jumped into airplanes and flew across country just to spend a few minutes in the bedroom with him at the drop of a hat!! And still? None of these women are good enough for him?
Oh, really?
Bummer. "Well, too damn bad," is all the rest of us have to say.
I don't think many of us are feeling your pain, Schaeffer, because, honestly, that's enough time to find someone if you really want to.
But, nope!
At this point he can't find anyone to date by now, then this blogger is done! Adios. Best of luck. Move on.
Now -- he's just exploiting this last season as a vehicle to try to still find a soul mate as well as amp up interest in his next project, the sequel to his former movie "My Life's In Turnaround." (Never heard of it? Neither had I.)
This week's episode revolved mainly around the subject of the boys finally getting started on shooting the first scene of "We're Out Of The Business" (from their mouth to God's ears).
In this final show, Episode 10 of the third season, begins with Eric grilling Ward on how much he liked meeting his date, actress Stephanie, the other night (see last show's review Season 3, Ep 9).
Ward hems and haws. He tries to discourage Schaeffer from mixing business with romance, and tries to explain why this might be a bad idea .
However, fate intervened with a cell phone call from the very same Stephanie, who, as luck would have it, apparently had "other plans."
My favorite part is when Eric asks her if she had fun the night before and asks her if she wants to "do something with him tonight?" And Eric and Ward just sit there. Listening to the leading lady's surprising phone reaction. Taking it in.
Her reply is a long anguished pause, then she goes, "Uhm....Hmm...God!"
Stephanie: "My boyfriend called last night. Like out of the blue, and uhm. He, I don't know, like we talked all night and...I think that...we're going to try and work things out."
-- Pause --
Now, the reaction right here really was priceless. Because, for the first time I really don't think it was scripted, so clearly this was one of the rare moments in the series worth tuning in for.
The look on Schaeffer's face is priceless.
He sighs, rolls his eyes, collapses into himself and then repeats the next line over and over like a cartoon.
"Your ex-boyfrien, your ex-boyfr-, I-uh, Your ex-boyfriend called? When? when? How ex is he? You didn't even tell me about him."
She brings him up to speed and Eric cringes and implodes saying: "Good luck with that. I'll see you next week on the set. Good luck with that and I'll see you when we shoot. Like next week."
The audience watching all his raw emotions crisscross his face in one long, tight close up, a director trying in vain to save face (literally) and reassure her and everyone present that he will not get weird on her on the set. (As if.)
You can just feel how angry with her he is about this. His seething is evident and you know the set will be tense and awkward as hell for the rest of the shoot. He will make her pay. I would not be at all surprised if she found herself fired because it is so dubious his ego can handle her not being romantically available to him.
Later, after they all absorb the karmic pie in the face Schaeffer has just endured they move on to more important topics, like "porn stars!"
Better yet, "dates" with "porn stars!"
Apparently they are about to shoot a scene that opens during a porn shoot and they need a porn actress, to play a porn star...(I realize the obviousness of this line of action is about as mentally challenging as counting to 1, but hang in there with me here.)
So, again, the hand of fate intervened:
Eric picks up his magic crackberry and phones "Bill," the actor who is playing the male half of the porn scene and asks if he can help him find a porn star for the following day's shoot:
1) Amazingly, Bill did have a "real" porn star to play the porn star.
2) He tells Eric that she "does good work."
3) And later he says that she also agreed to "date" him, too.
Which, amazingly Bill assumed was part of the bargain. Interesting. Later we learn that he's not really a porn star, but a college grad holding an MFA. (To which I say, s0 this is your "fifteen minutes?!" Playing a porn star in an Eric Schaeffer reality show? Dude: Burn your degree, now.)
Ebner: "How could Eric fuck up a date with a porn star?"
Ward: "I guess, yeah, I guess, I can't imagine how you could somehow alienate a porn actress."
Ebner: "Thank you!"
Ward: (To Eric) "I don't know what you could do to make her feel uncomfortable."
Schaeffer: "Thank you very much." (Having just gotten his co-worker's blessings.)
On the way to the meeting with "the porn star" that night there is one other amusing moment in this show:
It starts with Ebner inquiring Eric doesn't seem to be happy that he's getting to date a porn star that night. Schaeffer complains that it just doesn't seem that exciting to him, actually.
Then Eric confronts all his taxi mates with the same question: "Would you like to bang a porn star?"
He asks the poor cab driver, who mumbles incoherently and leans out of view.
He then asks the camera man, Theo, the same question, who agrees he would, in fact want to bang one, and confirms that he never has.
And then he asks Mark Ebner the very same question.
That's when Mark Ebner heaves this long, presumably thoughtful sigh, and then breaks into a shit-eating grin while totally lucking out on poor lighting during this awkward moment. Because just when he fails to hide his smile his face is conveniently cloaked by shadow. However, he still attempts to say in as serious a tone as can be mustered "I'm with you. (Eric) honestly, no."
This moment is met with obvious laughter to which he tries in vain to keep his straight face insisting that "I really wouldn't."
I might add that this exchange came just after Ebner commented "Eric do realize that it's every man's dream, but yours, to date a porn star?" -- So, okay. We get it. Nice try.
Meet Rachel Starr. The porn star in Eric Schaeffer's series, I Can't Believe I'm Not Single.
She is, as was promised, a "real" porn star, and she does have considerable talents in the adult entertainment industry. I haven't seen much of her work, but what I have seen supports the theory that Schaeffer was very lucky to have her in his film.
For more about Rachel Starr, click Interview with a porn star- Rachel Starr.
And, this is all this blogger is going to say about her other than she has lots of energy and seems very ambitious and apparently has been to Burning Man, because that is what Eric's self-described "famous hat" reminds her of.
Really, Rachel? Cause when I see that hat, I usually think "homeless," not "burning." But, hey, to each her own.
Then, during a very long series of exchanges we see Eric (and Mark Ebner and Em Sinick) meet and get to know the said "Rachel Starr."
It's easy to see how quickly Schaeffer goes from whining about how he's not that interested in dating a porn star to potentially falling head over heels in love with her in about five minutes by the frequency with which he begins to lick his lips while speaking with her in her hotel room.
At this point in the show we have lots of footage where we discover that Starr and Schaeffer are actually enjoying getting to know each other. They seem to have a nice rapport and energy. And even Mark Ebner says something to the effect that he may have finally met his future wife.
However, then as luck would have it, she actually rebuffs Schaeffer's offer to take her home to cook Putanesca for her. In fact, all his incessant cooking offers are met with lackluster enthusiasm. And she begins the long bursting of the bubble of fantasy about most men really wanting to cook for their personal porn stars. But, trust me the bubble doesn't really burst till much later on. It takes a lot to burst a bubble when you're a porn star.
They have a peppy and energetic date at Lucky Strike, but then they have to go and shoot the final swimming scene for the purposes of wrapping up the shoot of this season's show.
So, fast forward now to The Paris Health Club who agreed to let them shoot the "final stunning conclusion of I Can't Believe I'm Still Single" at their club, which included the obligatory pool race between Ward and Mark Ebner, (who was last season's champion).
For some odd reason, Eric Schaeffer doesn't drop his clothes and put his swimming skills to the test again in this season, but, Donny Ward and Mark Ebner do, and once again Ebner smokes the competition. And it was amusing watching Mark smoke Ward's Upper East Side ass with a triumphant "I! Am! Spartacus!"
Ward struggles to accept the swimming race's final outcome, but apparently nobody beats Mark Ebner "on any sport involving fighting, punching, fighting, kicking. Any one of those." Do not mess with Spartacus.
Did I mention that there is a return of characters in this final scene because one of the two judges for the swimming contest is, again, the real (handicapped) Mela (asked by Eric to wear a bag on her head) along side the porn star. Funny.
Then, post swimming -- it's clear it's late and they have to get up early and shoot their first scene so they all head on home from the Health Club.
But, do they?
Well, apparently, we discover then that actually Eric is given the old "heave-ho" from the porn star. Which is pretty much no surprise to those of us watching at home, but of course, he's surprised.
Which isn't surprising.
Then the final episode closes with the first shot of the first scene of "We're Out Of The Business" and some embarrassing clips of Eric finally chatting up the foxy black chick from his bank. Who is pretty, and bright, but manages to come off looking really crazy in this show.
Ta da!
That's it, folks!
That's the final stunning conclusion of Season Three of "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single!"
However, then as luck would have it, she actually rebuffs Schaeffer's offer to take her home to cook Putanesca for her. In fact, all his incessant cooking offers are met with lackluster enthusiasm. And she begins the long bursting of the bubble of fantasy about most men really wanting to cook for their personal porn stars. But, trust me the bubble doesn't really burst till much later on. It takes a lot to burst a bubble when you're a porn star.
They have a peppy and energetic date at Lucky Strike, but then they have to go and shoot the final swimming scene for the purposes of wrapping up the shoot of this season's show.
So, fast forward now to The Paris Health Club who agreed to let them shoot the "final stunning conclusion of I Can't Believe I'm Still Single" at their club, which included the obligatory pool race between Ward and Mark Ebner, (who was last season's champion).
For some odd reason, Eric Schaeffer doesn't drop his clothes and put his swimming skills to the test again in this season, but, Donny Ward and Mark Ebner do, and once again Ebner smokes the competition. And it was amusing watching Mark smoke Ward's Upper East Side ass with a triumphant "I! Am! Spartacus!"
Ward struggles to accept the swimming race's final outcome, but apparently nobody beats Mark Ebner "on any sport involving fighting, punching, fighting, kicking. Any one of those." Do not mess with Spartacus.
Did I mention that there is a return of characters in this final scene because one of the two judges for the swimming contest is, again, the real (handicapped) Mela (asked by Eric to wear a bag on her head) along side the porn star. Funny.
Then, post swimming -- it's clear it's late and they have to get up early and shoot their first scene so they all head on home from the Health Club.
But, do they?
Well, apparently, we discover then that actually Eric is given the old "heave-ho" from the porn star. Which is pretty much no surprise to those of us watching at home, but of course, he's surprised.
Which isn't surprising.
Then the final episode closes with the first shot of the first scene of "We're Out Of The Business" and some embarrassing clips of Eric finally chatting up the foxy black chick from his bank. Who is pretty, and bright, but manages to come off looking really crazy in this show.
Ta da!
That's it, folks!
That's the final stunning conclusion of Season Three of "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single!"
Comments
Eric is one of those guys who act as if women aren't quite human, and judging from this episode, he also thinks that porn stars aren't quite women. I don't know a lot about dating, but I don't think it's a good idea to say things to her like "I can't believe I'm actually attracted to this woman. She's a porn star!"
Given his affinity for the wild side of sexuality, I was surprised that he spent so much of the time kvetching about whether his penis was large enough to satisfy her. And she was giving him the standard porn star answer: "Sure, I prefer the small ones. The smaller the better!"
Even weirder than Eric's disappointment over being rejected sexually by the porn star was Ebner's indignation over it when he interviewed Rachel the next morning. They acted as if she was contractually obligated to sleep with any man who showed any interest--after all, she's a porn star!
It seems to me that this episode did contain a fleeting moment of insight where Eric started to come to the realization that he's a bit too old to be chasing twentysomethings, even if they do know the Beatles. His powers of persuasion could not convince Rachel that she prefers staying home watching THE BACHELOR, instead of going out dancing.
A couple of interesting moments that you didn't mention: the cute, seemingly nice woman who came up to them at the bowling alley and complained that Eric hadn't responded to her on MySpace. I would much rather have seen Eric go out on a date with her than Steffi for instance, who always seemed terribly uncomfortable with the whole enterprise.
I was also saddened by Mela's line when she saw Eric, something to the effect of "He's forgotten all about me, hasn't he? That's sad."
Sad to see the foxy black lady from the bank reduced to a punchline at the end, as she gabs on nervously and Eric rolls his eyes in the inserted reaction shots.
But this show is doing its part to foster relationships--Steffi decided to go back to her ex after one real date and one character date with Eric, and Stas the cameraman ended up marrying Wendy Ho from Season 2.
Congratulations on your endurance in writing about this mess. I think it would be much more fascinating to interview the Showtime executives who greenlighted this thing to find out what they were thinking, who they thought this would appeal to, etc.
"Spaghetti alla puttanesca" (whore's spaghetti) is a spicy, tangy and somewhat salty Italian pasta dish....
http://michaelraso.blogspot.com/2010/08/funny-mela-polaroid-portraits.html