I Can't Believe I'm Still Single. (Season 3, Ep. 9) next-to-last episode: A Real Cliffhanger.
I really don't mean to complain, but, honestly, the recapping of this show is really becoming challenging.
However, ONLY ONE MORE SHOW LEFT! Thursday, January 6th!
The thematic structure of it just gets weaker and weaker...And I'm trying like hell to eek out an overall structure for the purposes of finishing this entire show's un-reviews and recaps:
So, here goes. The second-to-last show of the season:
Location scouting for the movie which is the sequel to "My Life's In Turnaround."
Best lines:
Ebner: "Yeah, they (kids) understand why that bad guy is getting shot in a video game as opposed to why that fat guy's getting wrapped like a sandwich?"
They meet an orthodox Jew, sound mixer, "Chen," who offers Eric some of the most useful advice Eric's ever received. Not that Eric is capable of noticing.
He tells Eric he has to give women "something" first. Give them "an opening" first. (Ding, ding, ding!)
He tells Eric that he's already met a lot of girls who were right for him, but that Eric is just not ready to settle down. (duh.) That Eric isn't open for that kind of maturity yet. (I'm sure Schaeffer's never heard this before, right?)
Then, they awkwardly shift to Eric's mother's apartment for a filming of "The Lasagna Dinner" where he arrives, tells Ebner to just "Just Move! Get out of here! Leave! Leave!" After which he then announces to his mom, he's early for dinner (she's cooking) but he is going to have his physical trainer put him through his workout training during the preparation for her dinner party. In a small, NYC apartment. While they film this. The Marx Brothers already did this in Night At the Opera, but the difference is, they were funny.
Eric takes off his pants to change into his sweat pants. The guys there comment on how freakishly large Eric's balls are. Yeah. Funny. Ha, ha, ha.
So, then Schaeffer's physical trainer "Ian" arrives and kicks Eric's ass into shape, physically and, well, in all ways, and thus illustrating more of Eric's serious flaws, such as in filming himself in situations which only make him look crazy and paunchy.
The trainer, Ian, turns out to be a much needed dose of fresh energy. Brings a much needed "zip" the banter and dialogue. And change in energy levels are not just because he's so much hotter looking than the rest of them. It's because he doesn't take Schaeffer's horse crap.
Ian continues to verbally punch holes in Schaeffer's nonsense during a very lengthy, sweaty, peculiarly cramped up training session as Eric's poor mom struggles to cook and serve dinner to an entire film crew in her charming, but cozy apartment.
He says things to Schaeffer like "Shut your mouth and do some squats, now. Dude I can totally see your ass through your '90s underwear."
Then he baits Schaeffer by flirting with everyone there from Shaeffer's mom to Eric's "date" at the dinner. Stephanie, who is, need I remind you, was the actress originally hired to portray the fake Mela (You know, the real girl friend of Schaeffers with cerebral palsy.) Nice.
Cozy, and sweaty, too.
We watch a rancid, sweaty Schaeffer proceed to fill film footage of his coming on to this actress who is way too pretty for him, but is going along with all this flirting because she's on camera, and what does she have better going for her right now?
The lasagna cooks. The people in the tiny living room watch Eric work out and dinner preparations drag on. The trainer is exiled from the dinner because Eric is so jealous of him with Stephanie.
(Any of you sorry you never set your DVR to catch this, yet? Didn't think so!)
They eat. Schaeffer takes pretty actress/possible girlfriend to the back bedroom where he whispers sloppy wet, sexy things into her face and every time he licks his lips and kisses her I feel my stomach heave. She pretends not to want to run screaming out of there.
Lots of really awkward moments where I watch an actress-model-whatever let Shaeffer slobber all over her for air time. Sloppy, sweaty kisses in a cramped back bedroom. Yuck. Yawn.
What else?
Donny Ward shows up for dinner and makes a brief toast to their movie days.
Ebner finally yells for them to get back to the kitchen, Ebner is washing dishes. Ward is doing the boom. Everyone's eaten and they're bored and tired and really want Schaeffer to go home ASAP, now.
More kissing scenes in the NYC stairwell. Lots of mouth sounds and licking of lips. Elevator door closes.
Mom and Ebner are grilled about the date/dinner with Stephanie.
Eber later confronts Ward for having formerly "dated" one girl who was "very young."
Ward justifies this situation as because the girl was not only a superstar, but a "legal teenager" while he, Ward, was in his thirties. And Ward wistfully crows about how that was all acceptable because it was "just like the movie Manhattan" and that any other guy in the same situation that he knew said they would have just done the same. (Isn't that what Polanski said?)
To which, having been a teen at one time and now being the mother of two future teen girls, makes me not only cringe, but reminds me to inquire where I can buy a gun license.
And then that's the end of this next-to-last show.
With the end credits rolling, Ebner is commenting on how Schaeffer "always lights up like a Christmas Tree at the mention of whores."
Okay. Well, cool!
Can't wait for the grand finale.
Should be a doozy!
Comments
This show does give me an appreciation of what women go through on the dating scene. Eric has known Steffi for what, 10 days, and on their first real date he takes her to his mother's house where he wants to make out with her (with a camera crew following them), while simultaneously complaining that she's not physically affectionate enough (then pulling back passive aggressively and saying that it's fine, Donny isn't physically affectionate either. Weird.)
Steffi comes across as very young, somewhat insecure, and very eager to please. She shouldn't be subjecting herself to the kind of mind games that Eric plays on a daily basis.
And then at the end he offers to take her to Paris, where, coincidentally, he's currently filming another movie. Perhaps Showtime can pony up for Season Four of ICBISS: From Paris (France) to Paris (Texas)?
You can see why Christina from the bank keeps putting him off. He's the creepy guy who shows up at your service job and flirts with you and you wonder whether he's going to become a stalker. Well, a stalker with extreme ADD, anyway.
Chen seemed like a sweet guy. As an Orthodox Jew, how does he feel about doing sound mixing on Eric Schaeffer projects? Or does he just ignore the actual content?
The interlude with the trainer was really weird. The dialogue felt like a gay porn flick where the hero gets together with a "straight" guy.
"Dude, I can see your ass."
"No you can't. I've got underwear on."
"I can see the outline of your ass crack."
And so on. . .
According to the synopsis, Eric dates a porn star in Episode 10 (presumably the woman shown taking her bra in the opening montage). If the crew have to do a post-copulation victory interview, I hope they at least get additional hazard pay.
And so should you, for sitting through a six-hour movie chronicling two weeks of Eric Schaeffer's life. Almost sounds like a Warhol project, doesn't it?