"Still Single" Season 3, Episode 2: Television Ambien
I Can't I'm Believe Still Single, Season 3, Episode 2.
Or: How To Produce a Movie So Crappy Everyone Falls Into a Coma First.
(For the record: It's "My Life's In Turnaround 2")
Seriously, what the fuck was that limp mess? A comedy? A documentary on film-making? Or a cable access show shot in some creepy dude's apartment?
Really? That was the show? Did I accidentally take an ambien before watching it?
The beginning wasn't so bad. The serious dialogue with Mark Ebner as an investigative reporter and Donal Ward appeared to be leading somewhere important. I thought we might actually be setting the stage for something interesting, thematically. Eventually. It had to, right?
But, then Eric gets in the car with his bag of God-only-knows what junk food and starts riffing on picking up chicks at his bank, and then the episode just falls to crap.
The show also includes some humiliating, and really boring, audition session footage -- including an actress who has nice skin and good cleavage who auditions for their project.
However, Eric stops her and explains there's another project. It involves casting someone to play his real-life girl friend. He tells her she'll be playing Mela, who is disabled. I don't think he ever asked her if she'll do the part. And, typically, she never questions much and just blindly accepts that she's playing it. (At least, that's how it seems on camera.)
Then the show switches to Eric's apartment where his so-called real-life girl friend, the tall, physically-challenged Mela, arrives with Eric's paper bag over her head (*see last week's recap for this). It's awkward and humiliating.
Mela limps around the apartment and Eric informs her that a gorgeous blonde actress will be playing her and there may be kissing involved. Mela isn't crazy about the kissing part. (Well, no tongue.)
Blonde actress arrives. Discloses astrological sign, she's a Gemini sun, Pisces moon. Mela confesses she's a Capricorn on Aquarius cusp.
(For for further astrological breakdown of the show, here's how that rolls:
Eric, Aquarius. Em, Cancer. Mark Ebner, Virgo. Stas, Gemini. Donny, Leo. Blog author, Aquarius sun, Leo moon. For further explanation about this, consult Eric's mother.)
They talk a lot about kissing. Then there's copious footage of Eric Schaeffer licking those chapped lips while ogling two chicks kiss through a wrinkled paper bag.
Note: This is the most boring scene of two chicks kissing ever put on film. It's like watching a documentary on the history of bricklaying.
Oh, wait! Did Eric just say he wants the blonde to piss in his mouth because Mela does? Did I hear that? And the actress should avoid coffee because it makes her urine smell bad? He also tells the blonde chick not to drink or smoke any weed because he doesn't put "anything unhealthy in his body." (Other than rancid Nemo Bars and shopworn dildos.)
Oh, and the blonde has to troll for chicks for Eric? Because that's what his physically challenged girlfriend does for him?
But, then Eric has the self-described "wonky eyed gimp" teach the actress to walk like her and, being the charmer he is, Eric thinks it's comic to mix up Multiple Sclerosis with Cerebral Palsy. I hope someone sends hate mail.
Then the pretty blonde actress makes out with the lip-licking Schaeffer upon exiting and limping out the elevator -- and then the show is done.
How was that a show?
Next time I'd even welcome a car chase from Starsky and Hutch.
Or: How To Produce a Movie So Crappy Everyone Falls Into a Coma First.
(For the record: It's "My Life's In Turnaround 2")
Seriously, what the fuck was that limp mess? A comedy? A documentary on film-making? Or a cable access show shot in some creepy dude's apartment?
Really? That was the show? Did I accidentally take an ambien before watching it?
The beginning wasn't so bad. The serious dialogue with Mark Ebner as an investigative reporter and Donal Ward appeared to be leading somewhere important. I thought we might actually be setting the stage for something interesting, thematically. Eventually. It had to, right?
But, then Eric gets in the car with his bag of God-only-knows what junk food and starts riffing on picking up chicks at his bank, and then the episode just falls to crap.
The show also includes some humiliating, and really boring, audition session footage -- including an actress who has nice skin and good cleavage who auditions for their project.
However, Eric stops her and explains there's another project. It involves casting someone to play his real-life girl friend. He tells her she'll be playing Mela, who is disabled. I don't think he ever asked her if she'll do the part. And, typically, she never questions much and just blindly accepts that she's playing it. (At least, that's how it seems on camera.)
Then the show switches to Eric's apartment where his so-called real-life girl friend, the tall, physically-challenged Mela, arrives with Eric's paper bag over her head (*see last week's recap for this). It's awkward and humiliating.
Mela limps around the apartment and Eric informs her that a gorgeous blonde actress will be playing her and there may be kissing involved. Mela isn't crazy about the kissing part. (Well, no tongue.)
Blonde actress arrives. Discloses astrological sign, she's a Gemini sun, Pisces moon. Mela confesses she's a Capricorn on Aquarius cusp.
(For for further astrological breakdown of the show, here's how that rolls:
Eric, Aquarius. Em, Cancer. Mark Ebner, Virgo. Stas, Gemini. Donny, Leo. Blog author, Aquarius sun, Leo moon. For further explanation about this, consult Eric's mother.)
They talk a lot about kissing. Then there's copious footage of Eric Schaeffer licking those chapped lips while ogling two chicks kiss through a wrinkled paper bag.
Note: This is the most boring scene of two chicks kissing ever put on film. It's like watching a documentary on the history of bricklaying.
Oh, wait! Did Eric just say he wants the blonde to piss in his mouth because Mela does? Did I hear that? And the actress should avoid coffee because it makes her urine smell bad? He also tells the blonde chick not to drink or smoke any weed because he doesn't put "anything unhealthy in his body." (Other than rancid Nemo Bars and shopworn dildos.)
Oh, and the blonde has to troll for chicks for Eric? Because that's what his physically challenged girlfriend does for him?
But, then Eric has the self-described "wonky eyed gimp" teach the actress to walk like her and, being the charmer he is, Eric thinks it's comic to mix up Multiple Sclerosis with Cerebral Palsy. I hope someone sends hate mail.
Then the pretty blonde actress makes out with the lip-licking Schaeffer upon exiting and limping out the elevator -- and then the show is done.
How was that a show?
Comments
For me one of the few amusing things about the episode was Eric's assertion that the blonde actress looked just like Mela, even though the blonde is short, has a round face and looks like she's of Northern European ancestry. Mela is tall, has a long face, and appears to be of Eastern European ancestry.
Hopefully there's enough money in the show's budget to afford multiple paper bags for Mela. I'd hate to think that she needed to re-use the one from the first episode that he was feeding her through.
I would assume that the bank teller will show up as a character on a future episode, but given Eric's uniquely random editing style, who knows?
Isn't it perfectly normal in an audition for the director to offer a pretty young actress the opportunity to impersonate his girlfriend who has multiple sclerosis, cerebral palsy, whatever? People are so suspicious these days.
I'm afraid this what is in store for the few of us who continue watching this thing over the next eight weeks: all of the cliches from every "making of" documentary. This week it was the audition reel, where a bunch of unknown actors read for various parts while being evaluated by Eric, Donny, the cast director and Mark (because he goes everywhere Eric goes).
Out of boredom, I took a closer look at the large poster behind the couch. It's a photo of Eric playing basketball with Walt Frazier, the legendary point guard of the 1970s-era New York Knicks. He tells a story in a book of paying a large sum of money in a charity auction to win a change to play one on one with him, pissing off his then-girlfriend. Some things never change.
http://paris.angloinfo.com/information/wfdetail.asp?CCID=1466
Apparently Mr. Schaeffer is in Paris this week, speaking at a conference on film making. In addition to discussing his career and showing clips from his films, it says he will "talk about his upcoming independently produced film here in Paris." So there you go.
It also says that THEY'RE OUT OF THE BUSINESS has been picked up by IFC and will premiere theatrically in New York in the Spring on 2011.
But then again it says that this show "continues to receive great reviews and strong ratings." So who knows?