Unusual morning at middle school this week.

I had an odd conversation this week, with a kid in middle school.  Not my own.

And I'm still trying to sort out if I've done the right thing.

Early in the morning, I dropped my kid off at middle school and this day, actually walked my child into to school.

I'm a chatty mom who actually loves kids.  I love watching them interact and I love seeing what they wear to school and all that stuff.  I think it's really fascinating watching kids grow up at this stage, you either love middle schoolers, or dread them.  And I'm definitely someone who loves that age.

In any case, as I was walking back to my car, I passed a boy I knew since elementary school, so I asked  what I thought was a simple question:

I said, "How are you today, 'James Watson'?" (clearly, that's so not his real name.)

To which he answered 100% sincerely (which is why I love this kid. He really is like that.) in front of the other boys hanging around.

"Hello, Mrs. Larsen.
Well, actually I'm not so good today, because now all the kids say I'm gay."

(Actually, this thought crossed my mind a few years ago, which is probably one reason why I liked him so much.)

Unfortunately, or not, I happen to think about things like this way too much anyway.  So of all people for him to share this with, I was, needless to say, an ironic choice.    

My immediate response to this unexpected comment was,

"Oh, well!  Project Runway is one of my favorite shows!"  
And then I whispered, "Besides, there's nothing wrong with being gay." 

He blushed and smiled, but it was slightly awkward.  Especially with the other kids looking on, speechless, during this bizarre moment of TMI on an otherwise ordinary morning.

And, because I'm "a worrier," I worried about my answer to him as I walked away.

I couldn't go back and take back what I said.

But, no doubt, what I should have said was "Nobody has the right to call you names, period. It's called 'harassment' and you should report it."

But, that wasn't what came out my mouth. Unfortunately. And then the bell rang.

So, instead of just going home, I thought about how much I sincerely do love this kid.  He's always been painfully honest with the world since I knew him starting in first grade. (In 6th now.) And I became worried he actually might be getting picked on. Which I can't handle at all.

So I thought I should maybe tell someone about this in case he was getting bullied. 

His mom? Nope.

School guidance counselor, right? Right.

So, I go in and try to explain what happened, which was another awkward moment, but I felt I owed it to the kid to let the school know they're calling him names. 

Having done this I specifically requested they not make him feel embarrassed about the situation.  Just, you know, let him know he shouldn't let other kids call him names.

Fine? Fine. I thought.

Later that day, after school let out, the guidance counselor passed me and I asked if she had a chance to tell the boy that he should speak up for himself.

At first she seemed to have entirely forgotten my telling her anything earlier that day.

Then she said, "Oh, yeah. I asked him about that and he never 'confessed' anything to me."

Pause.

And I'm thinking, "Why would he? You're a dork."

And then I realized why kids don't tell people things like that. 

Because people just don't get it.

(Maybe, including me. )

Somebody please tell me what the right thing to do was, because I'm still worried I might have gotten it wrong.

*sigh*




Comments

Anonymous said…
Ooh. Tough one. And not made any easier by a guidance counselor who's coming from a place where being gay is something one "confesses."

I don't know what the best response to the kid is---perhaps "No one has the right to call you names, and anyway, they picked a funny name to call you, because 'gay' isn't a bad word or a bad thing to be. Lots of terrific people are gay."

Then, maybe, send a letter to the counselor, CCed to the principal or some such authority figure, outlining the situation and offering to help give a presentation to ALL the students about sensitivity and bullying and respect for all different kinds of people.

Poor kid. I'm glad he knows you.
Peter Varvel said…
Wow. And damn. My heart goes out to him.
There is no easy answer for this because it's different for each individual.
This post took me back almost three decades, not just to my younger self but to other young men I remember being called gay and how upset it made them, too.
I think the best thing for "James" and for any young person is for us as adults to show and express acceptance for who they are, and to encourage, coax them to be the true individual that they are, as much as possible.
I don't know how helpful it would be for today's adolescents, but I love the semi-joking tone of "You say 'gay' like it's a bad thing."
Despite how the 'opposition' feels, we really need to get over the stigma of that, particularly for the sake of our youth.
Thanks for reading and feedback.

Yeah, hindsight is always 20-20, no?

Well, now I know what to do the next time a twelve year old boy out of the blue tells me kids are calling him gay.

See? I didn't have that answer before.

(I have SO many other answers, to SO many questions...just not that one at that particular moment.)

BTW: I've been told he seems very happy at school now, and has been perky and upbeat all week, so hopefully all's well that ends well?

One can only hope.
This comment has been removed by the author.
Louise, I actually think your gut reaction, your first reaction, was the most appropriate one. You affirmed that being gay was okay, and you inadvertently disempowered the use of the word "gay" as an insult and instead pushed its normalcy. I think your hindsight thought to equate being called "gay" as harassment treads tricky ground. I don't think you want to demonize the word "gay," but then again when kids are clearly using it as an insult something must be done about it. Approaching the counselor was a good idea, but there clearly needs to be some additional diversity, sensitivity, and bullying training and presentations at the school. Do they have official policies in place?
Plus, I think it might be important to know how this kid was being harassed. He said, "All the kids say I'm gay." I'm wondering how they are saying this. To him? Behind his back? Are they using terminology like "fag"? Of course, I don't think I would bring this up directly with him to put him further in an awkward situation (after the counselor confronted him about it), but maybe find out from other students or from your own kids? Do they know anything about it?
My daughter says that they call everything "gay" in middle school.

She says they call nachos "gay."

I do not know about bullying being an issue for other kids, it has not been an issue for my child. But, it's a big school, she only sees a small part of it all.

Don't think there is any kind of awareness program going on there that deals with this particular subject or bullying, in general, to be honest with budget cuts, I doubt that will be added unless they are done for free.

I am happy to volunteer to do something, but not quite sure what I could.

Prince, don't you have any plays about bullies I that I could offer to direct at the school? Where can I buy them?

I would need a script that is appropriate for middle school.

Or any other ideas where I could get info about a sensitivity awareness presentation?

These are all great answers, folks. Thanks.
Anonymous said…
I am instantly a fan of your blog. You did well, considering being caught off guard. Because we can't go back, we can do a replay.



What you did well:

You affirmed that gay is not equated with negative.

You let him know that there are tolerant adults out there.


What might be good for next time:

You could try: I'm sorry that people are using the word "gay" to attack you. Being gay is not bad.

When people the word "gay" as an insult they are showing hate and intolerance for a group of people they do not understand; it's like racism.

They are usually not saying it because you are gay, but because they want to hurt you--and that's not okay.

Is there any way I can help you with this?

Oh, and by the way, if you are gay, please realize that you are fine as you are, and that people who use the word "gay" as an insult are idiots and really don't know how hurtful, vicious, and savage they are.

If you need someone to talk to or would like to find resources, let me know and I can try to help or find someone who can.



I know that's a mouthful; however, you got caught in a very big question with many angles, and you dealt with it with grace.

Please give yourself a pat on the back. Incidentally, if your young friend is gay and needs resources, contact me and I'll help you find them. It's what I do.

Sadly, schools are still in the dark. I quit high school a week after my high school principal told me that I wouldn't be attacked so much were I not so effeminate. And, quite frankly, I'm not super-effeminate, to tell the truth, although it shouldn't have mattered if I was.

The Project Runway comment can be forgiven for the spirit in which it was given; however (and I'm very sure you realize this), just because someone is gay doesn't mean he likes Project Runway and many would find that offensive.

I realize you were trying to connect with the child and make him feel comfortable, and you know him a lot better than I do, so I trust your judgment.

Good For You.

If you want to dialog about this, I would love to talk more. I have free long distance and I type fast. :-).
Zechariah: That may be one of the best comments I've ever had, thank you so much for your affirmations of doing what I could "on the fly," so to speak.

Yes, I do regret the Project Runway comment. If I could shoved the words back in my mouth, I would have, but he looked pleased with my response, just the same. I think my tone succeeded in being more of a 'hug' than anything else.

What do you mean? There are people who do not like Project Runway? (Just kidding, of course.)

But, great points you made, and I love your enthusiastic appreciation of my situation.

Glad to hear my "blog fans" continue to be so cool!

Louise

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