My spawn's adventure in Youth Community Theater-land...
NOTE: This post was written last year. November, 2007. I just cut (changed names) and pasted it into it's own posting just now.
So, my daughter wants to act. This should not surprise anyone who knows me, because I used to act and I love acting still.
But, what did surprise me was what happened when she "auditioned" for a local children's theater production in our little corner of Orange County, Ca.
Below is an honest account of what kind of insane romp passed for a "doing quality children's theater" in a city sponsored working "Youth Theater Guild" right, smack, in, say, one of the most conservative places in California. (on a military base. Is this place conservative? Just a little.)
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My daughter is lovingly referred to as "spawn" in this post, but only in "homage" to her play's unusual, directorial past.
"Spawn" is nothing more than a nod to seeing all children in a specific, B-film-kind-of way. (*note: see director.)
Well, after years of begging me to audition for local theater productions, my own personal spawn finally wore her mom down about auditioning for a part in a community theater production of Legend Of Sleepy Hollow.
Auditions were held in a vast echo-ey, but very cool theater that languished in the middle of a working military base in the same school district she attended.
The audition she did was strong and creative and at the time I was not too surprised to learn that she had one of the bigger parts in the play. The play, was still not something I'd seen, yet, however. We only got our copy of the play once we paid for the privilege of being cast.
We paid and the girls and I attended the parent/actor meeting that was the inaugural start to this educational and fun chance to do theater.
We got the script. At least, some of it. Much of it was missing. But, I was told that was normal. Not to worry.
It was double cast, which, actually I approved of doing since I know that allows more kids to be included in the show.
But, a little tip off that other production aspects were going to run not so smoothly was observing the director as he talked to us.
The director was a nod to the past. His era was obviously 1970 something. He wore cowboy boots, and his hair was blow-dried back in a frothy concoction that looked like a cotton candy hat spray painted with Grecian Formula. In, fact, to be honest, this person looked a whole like Jack Lord, and he talked a lot him, too. And, amazingly, when his cell phone rang, it played a jaunty little Hawaii-5-0 ring tone. He had a wife, too. And a daughter (More on them, later.) who all were part of this swell theater production. It was going to be class all the way, I could tell.
For the sake of this posting, I will refer to the director only as "Capt. Director."
He scolded all of us, parents and kids alike for thinking that we could just drop our kids off and not work. Work for them was expected. And a lot of it. (Okay. I thought. I can sort of see how that might be an okay thing, still. Volunteerism is a positive and bonding thing, under normal circumstances, right?)
However, it was becoming very clear that "Capt. Director" had a mission, which, in a director is a good thing, but the mission was looking much more like a way to fatten his wallet with this glorified boot camp for "sissies " (his word, not mine).
He mentioned that many nights he'd open the theater, but would ask a mother to run the show for him since he was deep into post production on a real film. Also, he had hired a choreographer to stand in for him on the other nights he would not be there....And, in fact, he was so busy he may very well not be there quite a bit, so we'd better just get used to that. (hmmmm.)
"Capt. Director". I need a mom to just take notes and do what I say. Don't change anything. Don't forget a thing I say. I don't need to write anything down when I direct, you do. I don't write down blocking because I remember how it's supposed to go. But, you (the mom) will write it down. Okay?!"
My daughter didn't care about anything other than the sheer joy that she was cast as “Mama Von Tassell”
Here's what "Mama" says a lot. "Ach, men!" Clearly this was a “juicy character part.”
What had me wondering if she’d be really be "in good hands" was when I learned that her director had previously brought the world such B Film classics as:
Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell (1990) And Mark of the Beast. Is this children's theater? Really, where? Transylvania?
But, "Capt. Director" was so busy making his films that we wasn't often not at rehearsals...leaving work for clueless parents and part-time choreographer from Hollywood Ballet, who could care less about the spoken word. (name removed), her director had other fish to fry during her rehearsals. He was working on re-shooting his “new film,” a "traditional" style Western called"Three Bad Men." (Oddly enough, it's about three bad men.)
Hey, what can I say? I was just relieved that his daily “Shooting” was not in the valley.") I could live with a couple of B-Films in his past, right?
See side photo from "Capt. Director;s" latest "film." Yes, that really is George Kennedy. And that may be "Capt. Director's" wife, for all I know.
Anyhow, what was I worried about? The children's play director was a working pro. By doing this my kid would learn a lot about "the biz." After all, what could go wrong?
Well, apparently, much.
Okay, for a start, here's what All Movie Guide had to say about "Capt. Director's "previous work
The Mark of the Beast (1990)
Alternate Title: Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell
Review Summary
Sheila Cann plays twin sisters in the tension-ridden Mark of the Beast. When one of the twins dies in a ritual killing, the other, an anthropologist, seeks revenge. This she does in as repulsive a manner as possible, so try not to be eating anything while you're watching. Bo Hopkins costars in this low-low-low budgeter. Mark of the Beast was also released as-and we swear we're not making this up--Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell. ~ Hal Erickson, All Movie Guide.
So, with rehearsals already underway it's finally dawning on me that this isn't going to your average children's youth theater kind of romp.
Here's what I know; My kid is in a play, double case along with about 40 other kids, and, to boot, it’s being rehearsed and performed in the center of WORKING a military base. (With a war on. Not MY war, but a real, life war going on requiring new recruits, daily.) except for all the peculiar times it appears to be spookily deserted. Which was, inexplicably, often. (Creating a huge block of land that looked like the set of a new horror movie resembling The Stand crossed with Gomer Pyle reruns.) Clearly, I have just digressed.
Every night I have to show my ID and drive to an armed (Yes, that's with guns.) guards to get to this particular theater. Every time they let me pass through I'd show my ID and then roll my car window up shouting to the kids “They forgot to get all to check my trunk!” Which, only worried my kids a little.
What truly was scary was when at any given time some crazy "Travis Bickle" look-a-like in army fatigues would wander into their rehearsals carrying weapons.
You’d hear the sargents scream “Okay, Soldiers! Never forget the ID on your weapon! Lose the ID and lose your life!” and they are actually having drills in the foyer of the theater going on while all the 6 year olds are, like weaving in and out of the formations and trying to get to the bathroom. The kids were actually fine with this, but the soldiers-in-training were totally confused.
Meanwhile, opening night gets closer and closer and there are no costumers, just a closet filled with tired "period style" clothes from, say "all periods!" and no set people (other than one or two handy parents) and no lighting people and no director. Like, ever? I'm serious. He'd open the theater, yell at the kids and tell them he had to work on his movie and leave the mom's in charge of running things? Amazing!
"Mr. Director" was never there, however, in his defense, as he promised, his choreographer was around. He was cheerful, but was "all about the dance, people!"
Enter, "Rod" (Named changed.) arriving at the military base theater straight from: "HOLLYWOOD BALLET.” Now, that seemed a unlikely pairing, to my eyes. But, I was beginning to get it: Nothing about this show would be something I expected.
Emblazoned on his T Shirt which still did not cover his rainbow colored nipple rings, which, sadly, looked in need of medical attention . Each one poked out from either side of his t shirt. Anyway, he’d come running out of his manic dance rehearsals into the lobby at the theater (where most of the time they were holding military training.) and Rod would be just pouring sweat and he'd say to the soldiers, or whoever; “Yes, people! (indicating his copious sweat) It’s Theater Blood!” And the soldiers would look momentarily panicked as if it were some sort of elaborate homophobic prank.
And it was in moments like this that I would tell my daughter that she simply could not quit, not now or ever, because this was just too much fun.
I explained this is what they mean by "so bad it was good." And that no other show (involving kids her age) would ever be this tacky or campy or politically incorrect and that they just don’t make up directors like hers anymore; because Ed Wood is dead.
So, yeah, I told her all this straight up. I said look, it's weird, yes, but that this was an experience like no other and she just had to do it and to remember it all.
She understood. She, and all the kids, were also having the time of their life, too.
It was a testament to the ability of children to rise above the absurdity of grownups. They knew they were doing the best they could and that "Mr. Director" always screamed at them during the shows. So, they blithely ignored him and went on to have as fine as time as ever! We all did. Live and learn.
Even though when "Mr. Director" showed up to rehearse (He was gone often and had "Hollywood Ballet-man" run the rehearsals...Which meant the kids knew both dances in the show very, very well....But as of opening night hadn't a clue what their blocking or lines were. ("Capt. Director" did show up once for rehearsal, for dress rehearsal. Once. He saw how lousy it was and immediately began yelling furiously at the kids. Once more, the parents let this happen. It was like watching people re-elect Bush again, and again: You know they know it's wrong, but for some reason still vote in lock-step with everyone else. I digress.
"Capt. Director": What are you?! A bunch of retards? I’m asking you, ARE YOU RETARDED?” (Strangely, noone answered him)
Later, I learned from the other moms present that, in fact, several of the kids were emotionally or physically “challenged.” ( We know that “Mr. Director” just 'understands this.') To which I'd think "He does?"
In any case, it turns out that "Capt. Director" was very aware that many of these kids in his plays "had issues." He took their parents money, anyway (which, normally, is great.) but he continued to yell and scream at them for not being perfect.
Year after year he would agree to cast kids no matter what the issue may be, but then verbally assaulted those who could not "fit in" until he turned blue in the face. The cycle would continue. Astonishingly, he'd cast the same kids again and again in his next plays. And somehow funding for those B-Films still kept coming in....Wonder how that happened?
My favorite day of "getting notes" were the last day...When, miraculously, "Capt. Director" finally showed up for the whole play. That is, just before the last run through where he made sure to make the following statement to the kids:
"Capt. Director:" "I am SO disappointed in all of you. I really am.
You know, every cast has a different personality, and I've decided that this cast is 'the retarded' cast."
Apparently this wasn't specific enough of an insult for him. He went on.
"If you (indicating a child known to be diagnosed with ADHD) fidget up there one more time, so help me God, I'm personally going to come up there and KICK YOU IN THE FANNY! Do you hear me?!"
Apparently she did. She was maybe 9 years old and looked like she was imploding in front of us. I wanted to kill him. Dead right then and there. I sought out the face of this girls sister and she was looking sheepishly at the ground. I was gob-smacked.
Yep. So, this man, the guy in charge of (organization's name changed.) this particular Youth Theater Guild in fact, actually hated children and loathed their parents who he thought were a bunch of indulgent idiots for paying him to put them in a play...and did not hestitate to tell us to our faces.
Gee, what's not to like?
In his defense, one day they did some real acting work:
Here's "Capt. Director's" Actors Warm Up:
“Okay, kids. Just up get on the stage. And shut up and listen. Okay. just stand there. Now...You are “happy!” Yes. Show me ‘happy!... And now, show me “so-so.” Right! Show me “you got a so-so grade in school today.” Show me that! Good! Now, show me that you are very, very tired. Okay...Well, some of you got that one. Okay. Now, Be Sad! Kids; this is an actors warm up! Forget acting teachers! They don’t know anything! Never take an acting class! This is all you need to know right here.”
The production was most interesting in that as of opening night there had virtually been no complete run through of this complicated play. And the director had been “delegating the rehearsals” to the choreographer which meant the dances were run, and run and run...but nobody had a clue about the lines. Ever.
More, later. Perhaps. If I can stomach writing more about this loathsome person.
So, my daughter wants to act. This should not surprise anyone who knows me, because I used to act and I love acting still.
But, what did surprise me was what happened when she "auditioned" for a local children's theater production in our little corner of Orange County, Ca.
Below is an honest account of what kind of insane romp passed for a "doing quality children's theater" in a city sponsored working "Youth Theater Guild" right, smack, in, say, one of the most conservative places in California. (on a military base. Is this place conservative? Just a little.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My daughter is lovingly referred to as "spawn" in this post, but only in "homage" to her play's unusual, directorial past.
"Spawn" is nothing more than a nod to seeing all children in a specific, B-film-kind-of way. (*note: see director.)
Well, after years of begging me to audition for local theater productions, my own personal spawn finally wore her mom down about auditioning for a part in a community theater production of Legend Of Sleepy Hollow.
Auditions were held in a vast echo-ey, but very cool theater that languished in the middle of a working military base in the same school district she attended.
The audition she did was strong and creative and at the time I was not too surprised to learn that she had one of the bigger parts in the play. The play, was still not something I'd seen, yet, however. We only got our copy of the play once we paid for the privilege of being cast.
We paid and the girls and I attended the parent/actor meeting that was the inaugural start to this educational and fun chance to do theater.
We got the script. At least, some of it. Much of it was missing. But, I was told that was normal. Not to worry.
It was double cast, which, actually I approved of doing since I know that allows more kids to be included in the show.
But, a little tip off that other production aspects were going to run not so smoothly was observing the director as he talked to us.
The director was a nod to the past. His era was obviously 1970 something. He wore cowboy boots, and his hair was blow-dried back in a frothy concoction that looked like a cotton candy hat spray painted with Grecian Formula. In, fact, to be honest, this person looked a whole like Jack Lord, and he talked a lot him, too. And, amazingly, when his cell phone rang, it played a jaunty little Hawaii-5-0 ring tone. He had a wife, too. And a daughter (More on them, later.) who all were part of this swell theater production. It was going to be class all the way, I could tell.
For the sake of this posting, I will refer to the director only as "Capt. Director."
He scolded all of us, parents and kids alike for thinking that we could just drop our kids off and not work. Work for them was expected. And a lot of it. (Okay. I thought. I can sort of see how that might be an okay thing, still. Volunteerism is a positive and bonding thing, under normal circumstances, right?)
However, it was becoming very clear that "Capt. Director" had a mission, which, in a director is a good thing, but the mission was looking much more like a way to fatten his wallet with this glorified boot camp for "sissies " (his word, not mine).
He mentioned that many nights he'd open the theater, but would ask a mother to run the show for him since he was deep into post production on a real film. Also, he had hired a choreographer to stand in for him on the other nights he would not be there....And, in fact, he was so busy he may very well not be there quite a bit, so we'd better just get used to that. (hmmmm.)
"Capt. Director". I need a mom to just take notes and do what I say. Don't change anything. Don't forget a thing I say. I don't need to write anything down when I direct, you do. I don't write down blocking because I remember how it's supposed to go. But, you (the mom) will write it down. Okay?!"
My daughter didn't care about anything other than the sheer joy that she was cast as “Mama Von Tassell”
Here's what "Mama" says a lot. "Ach, men!" Clearly this was a “juicy character part.”
What had me wondering if she’d be really be "in good hands" was when I learned that her director had previously brought the world such B Film classics as:
Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell (1990) And Mark of the Beast. Is this children's theater? Really, where? Transylvania?
But, "Capt. Director" was so busy making his films that we wasn't often not at rehearsals...leaving work for clueless parents and part-time choreographer from Hollywood Ballet, who could care less about the spoken word. (name removed), her director had other fish to fry during her rehearsals. He was working on re-shooting his “new film,” a "traditional" style Western called"Three Bad Men." (Oddly enough, it's about three bad men.)
Hey, what can I say? I was just relieved that his daily “Shooting” was not in the valley.") I could live with a couple of B-Films in his past, right?
See side photo from "Capt. Director;s" latest "film." Yes, that really is George Kennedy. And that may be "Capt. Director's" wife, for all I know.
Anyhow, what was I worried about? The children's play director was a working pro. By doing this my kid would learn a lot about "the biz." After all, what could go wrong?
Well, apparently, much.
Okay, for a start, here's what All Movie Guide had to say about "Capt. Director's "previous work
The Mark of the Beast (1990)
Alternate Title: Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell
Review Summary
Sheila Cann plays twin sisters in the tension-ridden Mark of the Beast. When one of the twins dies in a ritual killing, the other, an anthropologist, seeks revenge. This she does in as repulsive a manner as possible, so try not to be eating anything while you're watching. Bo Hopkins costars in this low-low-low budgeter. Mark of the Beast was also released as-and we swear we're not making this up--Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell. ~ Hal Erickson, All Movie Guide.
So, with rehearsals already underway it's finally dawning on me that this isn't going to your average children's youth theater kind of romp.
Here's what I know; My kid is in a play, double case along with about 40 other kids, and, to boot, it’s being rehearsed and performed in the center of WORKING a military base. (With a war on. Not MY war, but a real, life war going on requiring new recruits, daily.) except for all the peculiar times it appears to be spookily deserted. Which was, inexplicably, often. (Creating a huge block of land that looked like the set of a new horror movie resembling The Stand crossed with Gomer Pyle reruns.) Clearly, I have just digressed.
Every night I have to show my ID and drive to an armed (Yes, that's with guns.) guards to get to this particular theater. Every time they let me pass through I'd show my ID and then roll my car window up shouting to the kids “They forgot to get all to check my trunk!” Which, only worried my kids a little.
What truly was scary was when at any given time some crazy "Travis Bickle" look-a-like in army fatigues would wander into their rehearsals carrying weapons.
You’d hear the sargents scream “Okay, Soldiers! Never forget the ID on your weapon! Lose the ID and lose your life!” and they are actually having drills in the foyer of the theater going on while all the 6 year olds are, like weaving in and out of the formations and trying to get to the bathroom. The kids were actually fine with this, but the soldiers-in-training were totally confused.
Meanwhile, opening night gets closer and closer and there are no costumers, just a closet filled with tired "period style" clothes from, say "all periods!" and no set people (other than one or two handy parents) and no lighting people and no director. Like, ever? I'm serious. He'd open the theater, yell at the kids and tell them he had to work on his movie and leave the mom's in charge of running things? Amazing!
"Mr. Director" was never there, however, in his defense, as he promised, his choreographer was around. He was cheerful, but was "all about the dance, people!"
Enter, "Rod" (Named changed.) arriving at the military base theater straight from: "HOLLYWOOD BALLET.” Now, that seemed a unlikely pairing, to my eyes. But, I was beginning to get it: Nothing about this show would be something I expected.
Emblazoned on his T Shirt which still did not cover his rainbow colored nipple rings, which, sadly, looked in need of medical attention . Each one poked out from either side of his t shirt. Anyway, he’d come running out of his manic dance rehearsals into the lobby at the theater (where most of the time they were holding military training.) and Rod would be just pouring sweat and he'd say to the soldiers, or whoever; “Yes, people! (indicating his copious sweat) It’s Theater Blood!” And the soldiers would look momentarily panicked as if it were some sort of elaborate homophobic prank.
And it was in moments like this that I would tell my daughter that she simply could not quit, not now or ever, because this was just too much fun.
I explained this is what they mean by "so bad it was good." And that no other show (involving kids her age) would ever be this tacky or campy or politically incorrect and that they just don’t make up directors like hers anymore; because Ed Wood is dead.
So, yeah, I told her all this straight up. I said look, it's weird, yes, but that this was an experience like no other and she just had to do it and to remember it all.
She understood. She, and all the kids, were also having the time of their life, too.
It was a testament to the ability of children to rise above the absurdity of grownups. They knew they were doing the best they could and that "Mr. Director" always screamed at them during the shows. So, they blithely ignored him and went on to have as fine as time as ever! We all did. Live and learn.
Even though when "Mr. Director" showed up to rehearse (He was gone often and had "Hollywood Ballet-man" run the rehearsals...Which meant the kids knew both dances in the show very, very well....But as of opening night hadn't a clue what their blocking or lines were. ("Capt. Director" did show up once for rehearsal, for dress rehearsal. Once. He saw how lousy it was and immediately began yelling furiously at the kids. Once more, the parents let this happen. It was like watching people re-elect Bush again, and again: You know they know it's wrong, but for some reason still vote in lock-step with everyone else. I digress.
"Capt. Director": What are you?! A bunch of retards? I’m asking you, ARE YOU RETARDED?” (Strangely, noone answered him)
Later, I learned from the other moms present that, in fact, several of the kids were emotionally or physically “challenged.” ( We know that “Mr. Director” just 'understands this.') To which I'd think "He does?"
In any case, it turns out that "Capt. Director" was very aware that many of these kids in his plays "had issues." He took their parents money, anyway (which, normally, is great.) but he continued to yell and scream at them for not being perfect.
Year after year he would agree to cast kids no matter what the issue may be, but then verbally assaulted those who could not "fit in" until he turned blue in the face. The cycle would continue. Astonishingly, he'd cast the same kids again and again in his next plays. And somehow funding for those B-Films still kept coming in....Wonder how that happened?
My favorite day of "getting notes" were the last day...When, miraculously, "Capt. Director" finally showed up for the whole play. That is, just before the last run through where he made sure to make the following statement to the kids:
"Capt. Director:" "I am SO disappointed in all of you. I really am.
You know, every cast has a different personality, and I've decided that this cast is 'the retarded' cast."
Apparently this wasn't specific enough of an insult for him. He went on.
"If you (indicating a child known to be diagnosed with ADHD) fidget up there one more time, so help me God, I'm personally going to come up there and KICK YOU IN THE FANNY! Do you hear me?!"
Apparently she did. She was maybe 9 years old and looked like she was imploding in front of us. I wanted to kill him. Dead right then and there. I sought out the face of this girls sister and she was looking sheepishly at the ground. I was gob-smacked.
Yep. So, this man, the guy in charge of (organization's name changed.) this particular Youth Theater Guild in fact, actually hated children and loathed their parents who he thought were a bunch of indulgent idiots for paying him to put them in a play...and did not hestitate to tell us to our faces.
Gee, what's not to like?
In his defense, one day they did some real acting work:
Here's "Capt. Director's" Actors Warm Up:
“Okay, kids. Just up get on the stage. And shut up and listen. Okay. just stand there. Now...You are “happy!” Yes. Show me ‘happy!... And now, show me “so-so.” Right! Show me “you got a so-so grade in school today.” Show me that! Good! Now, show me that you are very, very tired. Okay...Well, some of you got that one. Okay. Now, Be Sad! Kids; this is an actors warm up! Forget acting teachers! They don’t know anything! Never take an acting class! This is all you need to know right here.”
The production was most interesting in that as of opening night there had virtually been no complete run through of this complicated play. And the director had been “delegating the rehearsals” to the choreographer which meant the dances were run, and run and run...but nobody had a clue about the lines. Ever.
More, later. Perhaps. If I can stomach writing more about this loathsome person.
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